Your trauma is real, but so is your power

...because healing starts the day you stop explaining and start moving.

source: pinterest

A few days ago, I stumbled on a line from a philosopher that stopped me in my tracks. He was explaining the difference between etiology and teleology, and even though those are big, philosophical terms, what he was saying hit home in the most real, personal way.

It was about how we understand pain, trauma and why we are the way we are. He said, as long as you stay in etiology, you will not take a single step forward. Let me break that down.

Etiology is about cause, which is the root of a thing. Like when something happened, who did what, why you are the way you are. This isn’t bad in itself, but a lot of us live here, we spend our lives explaining our behaviour, justifying our patterns, and attaching ourselves to pains and people from the past. We trace the trauma, and we stop there.

It sounds like:
“Of course, I always shut down emotionally. I never felt safe growing up.”
“Of course I sabotage good things, look at what I’ve been through.”
“Of course I’m like this, people like me don’t get to be better.”

You’re not wrong; your trauma is valid. What you went through is very real. You didn’t get to choose it, you didn’t create it, nor did you deserve it, but you are the one living with the consequences. And for a while, it might even feel right to stay there, to wrap yourself in that pain because it explains and justifies everything. And the longer you sit only looking at the cause, the easier it becomes to start believing that this is all there is to your life. That pain is where your story stops, and in some cases, your progress. But what if it’s not?

Teleology is different. It’s about purpose, the future, where you’re headed, and who you’re becoming. It says: Yes, that happened, but who do I want to be now? It says: I may not be the cause, but I’m the one responsible for the future I want.

chatgpt…

And when I came across these two terms and read more extensively on what the philosopher said concerning healing and trauma, something shifted for me. I started thinking about the subtle ways we get stuck because of past experiences. The stories we keep repeating, the identities we build around emotional wounds, the boundaries we refuse to challenge; all because trauma gave us a reason and somehow, a permission to stop moving.

Healing is not passive or inherited. You don’t become more or better because time has passed. You become more because you choose differently. Read that again. And yes, it’s hard, but you’re still the one who has to choose. It’s your life and your future anyway.

I knew these before, but they became validated after that extensive study:
- Your trauma doesn’t define you. You do.
- Your pain doesn’t shape your future. Your choices do.

There was a time I used to think that being traumatized was reason enough to stay damaged, jaded, scarred, stagnant or despicable. For a while, it felt right and justified, like no one could expect anything from me if they only knew what I had been through. I promise you, “you don’t understand because you’ve never experienced what I went through”, sounded so convincing. But you know what that mindset did? It kept me stuck, bitter and small, some of which I still regret till today because I wish I knew earlier that sucking in my pains and not taking any actions towards my future will not save me. What a waste of time and potential, but like they say, you can always try again.

The thing is, when you hold on to trauma like it’s your identity, you don’t even realize how deeply it starts to control you. You don’t see how much of your life becomes about defending the pain, instead of designing your future, because now you start worshipping and idolizing your past and the experiences.

I used to say these and I have heard people say them too:
“This is just who I am.”
“This is how I’ve always been.”
“People will just have to deal with it. My past was brutal.”

But under those words is often fear. Fear that if we tried to be better, we might fail, that change is too far away, that healing is for other people, not for us. I’ve been there lol, and what I’m slowly learning is that staying stuck in trauma is not strength, it’s survival. And while survival can be noble, it’s not the same as living.

You will not get to where you want to be by only knowing where you’ve been. You will not build the life you dream of if all you have is the language of blame and the comfort of excuses. You have to move, you have to want something different. You have to be intentional. You have to be in control. You have to ask yourself, “Who do I want to be beyond this pain?”

And that right there is where the shift begins. Don’t worry, you won’t feel ready, but you’ll feel a flicker of something else, which is hope. So start there.